This blog is mostly for me. Myself. I want to both rediscover the self confidence I used to have while also losing weight. I think they go hand in hand, but are not synonymous. I want to discover my self worth in my body, no matter my size or what I looks like. I want to get healthier, both mentally and physically. I think this blog may help me to do that. This will be a public blog, to hold me accountable. 

My goal of losing weight is somewhat of a misnomer. Yes, I want to lose weight. I want the number on the scale to drop, I want to fit into smaller clothes. But I also want to be healthier in general, not just lose weight. I know losing weight and keeping it off will be a lifestyle change. I want to lower my risk factors for so many things that come with being overweight. 

And I want to accept me for me. The me that I am right now. The me that I was ten years ago and the me that I will be ten years from now, no matter what the number on the scale is. 

For two long I have believed these things. Not about other people, when I see someone who is overweight I don't think these things about them. But when I look in the mirror and see myself I think them about me. I think other people think these things about me. And I want me to stop thinking this.

Overweight = lazy

Overweight = incapable

Overweight = stupid

Overweight = unwanted

Overweight = ugly

Overweight = unworthy 

Overweight = unbeautiful

Overweight = not deserving of love

How do I stop thinking these things about me? I don't know. 

Things I have tried:

Calorie counting

Exercising

Noom

Weight watchers

4 different weight loss medications 

Counseling

My story. 

I was not overweight as a child. As a teenager and young adult I was very thin. And I never had to try. I was always only a pound or two away from being underweight, but I didn't diet. I exercised only when I felt like it, which wasn't often. 

Cue having my first child at age 21, when I gained about 60 pounds. I quickly lost the weight after I gave birth, but I recognize now that this rapid weight loss was from postpartum depression. I hardly ate anything her first year of life. I sustained that weight without trying until I got pregnant again with baby number two, and quickly gained the weight right back. It took a really long time to lose the weight this time. Five years in fact. After trying so many things I finally found a medication that helped me lose the weight. As soon as I hit my goal weight we got pregnant again and, you guessed it, the weight came back. Baby is now almost 18 months and I have not lost a single pound. The weight lost medication that worked before hasn't helped this time.